What surprised me was how little the State Fair reminded me of my childhood experiences at "Buffalo Days," the province of Saskatchewan's equivalent to a State Fair held in Regina. Either Buffalo Days was REALLY awesome, or my teenage perception of what is amazing differs greatly from the adult version. (Btw, it's not pronounced Reg-ee-na. It's pronounced Reg-eye-na. The look on folks' faces here in the U.S. never ceases to amuse me when I correct them on the proper pronunciation.)
The city I grew up in, Moose Jaw, had a much smaller version, often referred to as "the fair" or "exhibition." I remember spending countless hours kicking around the Moose Jaw fair grounds as a kid. My favorite delicacy at the fair was actually provided by my local church group. Every year, they set up a booth that sold Spudnuts, a donut-like object made with potato flour. Our Spudnuts came in two versions: glazed and chocolate frosted. The Spudnut was slightly larger than a traditional donut with a much bigger hole in the center. I don't know what it was about the potato flour but they were far superior to their cousin. (I did some research and found out that the Spudnut's origin is in Salt Lake City.) I actually had an opportunity to work the Spudnut booth on a couple of occasions, so I consider myself an honorary carny.
Spudnuts
Despite their genesis, Spudnuts are not available at the Utah State Fair. At least I didn't find any. What I DID find was a wide array of deep fried consumables. Seriously, anything you can think of, they'll deep fry it at the USF.
Exhibit A
For years I'd heard tales of a deep fried Twinkie. I'll go ahead and say it: I find Twinkies fairly gross. Would deep frying them make them less gross? I was determined to find out. I went to the fair, a man on a mission, kind of like Tallahassee from "Zombieland" and his search for the last Twinkie on earth. 
Unlike Tallahassee, my quest didn't take me very long. I stumbled upon the deep fry shack with every imaginable offering within five minutes. So, I decided to put it last on my State Fair to do list. You can almost smell the anticipation, no?
When we first wandered in, we noticed that there was an incredible deal on admission to the "Snake Girl" exhibit. Who doesn't love a good freak show? So, the wife and I each paid our one dollar and went inside.
My better half is still irritated with me that we blew two bucks on this. What struck me most about Snake Girl wasn't that she was clearly sitting on a chair with her head through a table. Or the REALLY fake looking rubber snake coiled around her head. (Actually it didn't really resemble rubber as much as something that had been hauled in from one of the livestock exhibits.) It wasn't even the mirrors under the table reflecting the phony candles and sawdust on the floor to give the illusion that the table was bottomless. It was how bored she looked. I prefer my snake girls to have a bit of a personality. I tried to engage her in conversation but she wasn't having any of it. She apparently couldn't wait for her three hour shift to end to be replaced by the next snake girl.
What we really came for was the food, though. We got the lay of the land. There are almost too many options. I couldn't believe it when the wife exclaimed, "They have poutine!" No, not the Russian dictator. It's a Canadian delicacy pronounced poo-teen. Fries smothered in gravy and cheese curds. I know that may sound like an odd combo, but riddle me this: how many times have you had cheese fries? Or mashed potatoes with gravy? Fries are a close relative. And they're DEEP FRIED! (Perfect for the state fair...) Frankly, the poutine was the best thing we ate all night. My only complaint was that the fries were criss cut. They still tasted pretty dang good, though.
Poutine
We found the poutine at the least likely of places:
Doesn't the "F" render the "H" unnecessary? Or, spell it P-H-A-T. Just sayin'...
Our main course was unimpressive chicken from some Hawaiian place. I've had better rotisserie chicken from the deli at the grocery store. And cheaper. We washed it down with what was being promoted as "ice cold root beer." It was flat and room temperature. (Only believe one third of what's being advertised at the State Fair. Except when it comes to the snake girl, of course.)
In retrospect, I wish I'd gone with the burger. We ran into a muscle-bound guy later in the evening who was enjoying one with his muscle-bound wife. It was their "cheat day," apparently. I'd say they tore up the rule book on this one. (I neglected to mention that the burger came served between two full sized donuts, replete with slices of deep fried bacon.) They told us that it was actually surprisingly good. And let's be honest, I came here to be decadent!
It's sad that they have to ask, really.
We eventually made our way back to the deep fried vendors. The ladies went and purchased funnel cake, while we men went and purchased deep fried Twix and Twinkies, respectively. Here's the thing. A Twix is already a thing of perfection. The deep fry treatment actually ruined it. But can you make a Twinkie worse? Yes, yes you can. It basically tasted like a melted Twinkie wrapped inside a cold pancake. To add insult to injury, it had been sitting under a heat lamp for who knows how long. They drizzled it with Hershey syrup and sprinkled it with powdered sugar. But it was like putting lipstick on a pig at this point. After going through a deep fryer, the creamy filling is reduced to a custard like substance. Emphasis on "turd."
Strip away the chocolate syrup and powdered sugar and
all of the deep fried confections look like a corn dog.
Wandering around the midway, we weren't even tempted by any of the rides. Most of the folks who put these mobile thrill machines together look like they may have one or two screws loose, so who's to say their equipment doesn't? (I can say that about them without it being offensive because I'm an honorary carny.)
We checked out the livestock exhibits. They had it all. Cattle, check. Chicken, check. Goats, check. Sheep, check. (Most of these blue ribbon winners will eventually make their way onto next year's fair menu. If you're adventurous, they even have a booth that sells "Rocky Mountain Oysters.") We had one heck of a time finding the swine house. And that was at the top of my list. I had to see Wilbur, after all! Eventually, after much aimless wandering and finally having to ask directions, we stumbled upon him.
As you can see, he is
...which is exactly what I felt like after eating all of the crap that I've described.
Will I return to the Utah State Fair? Great question. Ask me again in about twenty years.
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